I'm back here in Manila and suddenly realized the boredom and frustrations overwhelming me. . The moment i stepped inside my room, stress seemed to have greeted me. The textbooks, the papers and the overall reeking smell of pages immediately brought me back to reality.

My stay in Ilocos was how i wanted it to be: calm, refreshing and invigorating.  I was freed from all the negative vibes and grumpiness of the previous year.  No offense intended, but I also tried to stay away from my friends for a chance to truly feel reincarnated. .

There was nothing much to do because we had limited funds, people had work and lack of transportation. Due to all these hindrances to having a good time, I was able to take time slowly. I took the time to appreciate the scenery, breathe the fresh air, absorb the heat and reflect on things that had been bothering me.

These "things" that I gave time to reflect upon were a bit depressing and as a result, I avoided thinking about them before I went to Ilocos. It was so typical of me to turn my back away from hurtful circumstances and hoping for them to just vanish, not realizing its impossibility.

These "things" were what mattered.

I owe to these "things" the drastic and big changes of my life: my outlook, appearance, emotions (which were mostly suppressed) and, the most altered of all, my attitude. As you might have guessed, these "things" aren't in any form material. As I've mentioned before, these were what mattered.

I can't say that I had successfully gained a positive makeover because I didn't. I still resisted the thoughts a bit and wasn't able to, as Mitch Albom had put it, detach myself from the overflowing emotions.

The time given to me was lacking and I'm not sure if I still have much of it before my once tabula rasa become forever etched with angst, hatred and disbelief.
 
To be able to fully detach with these compromising emotions, I need more time and it requires not returning back to the room with the reeking smell of pages..

i went to my mom's house in ilocos norte to hopefully drain out the negative vibes and grumpy feeling i had been carrying the whole of my year 2007. .

but first! a really blog-worthy tale should be told: I had to take the bus on a Wednesday night for there are no more available seats on airplanes. At 4 PM, along with my cousin (Yang is his name, camwhoring is his game) we went to Farinas to try our luck. . Alas! all buses are fully-booked until 1 AM, at that time a free-for-all bus is coming (translation:  a sit-or-die situation). We tried the other bus stations but luck wasn't on our side. It wasn't until 7 PM, when we decided to wait the 1 AM bus on McDonald's. Talk about determination, huh? (hehe).

We went back and forth the station to check on the situation, but each time we were shocked with the seemingly exaggerated amount of people. We prayed that these people are reserved and won't compete with us on the 1 AM bus.

How wrong we are. . .

When the 1 AM bus arrived, everyone (by everyone, I mean to say hundreds of people) was sleepy and frustrated and understandably clamoring and doing all means necessary to get a seat. As I've said awhile ago, a sit-or-die situation. . Being a small kid as I am, I managed to hop on the bus but as soon as I did, the line was cut off starting from me because all seats were already taken. (quite a frustration, believe me!)

After an hour, another bus arrived, and this time Yang did what he could, but again, luck was against us. . We were so furious of the lack of system Farinas trans has! I mean, we were waiting since 7 PM and burned our asses off on every food chain at Espanya. . As you might imagine, other passengers are also irritated but what was surprising was that the remorse wasn't among passengers but between the passengers and the bus station. Anyway, we considered handing out money to conductors and whispering words of corruption but thought against it. Instead, Yang used his advantage of language by talking in Ilokano dialect to a lady selling empanada at the station. We noticed her going back and forth the buses arriving but wasn't exactly sure what she was doing. So we used our "youth" charm and made "paawa-effect". She was incredibly kind and soft-hearted and said "sige, ako na ang bahala sa inyo.."

wOah! the magic words!!. . Our spirits were again high and started calling her Lady Farinas because she was wearing green all over, even her apron was green, which was "coincidentally" the color of the bus station. (we found this quite amusing..)

After 30 minutes (but seemed to be eternity), another free-for-all bus arrived. And then we saw her in action.  She was incredibly swift and  commanding, we thought she was an authority! Eventually, she was able to get us a seat reservation... Go go gO Lady Farinas!!

Since we have seat reservations we were quite calm and collected. We listened to our iPods, played techno music and started dancing. Yes, we were dancing at the heart of the bus station at 3 AM for everyone to see. . Could you blame us? We were drunk with emotions. Every feeling imaginable was dealt with that night. During our dance craze, the guy-who-seemed-to-be-the-manager-but-just-walks-around-doing-God-knows-what was in his SUV, probably showing off and telling the workers that he is on his way to Ilocos. We had no idea this was happening until a driver spotted at us, stared and asked if we would want to ride with the "manager". We were taken aback by this offer but with our eyebrows raised, and without thinking, we were ready for a response: "NO!".

And so, though a bit puzzled and dazzled by the events, we started dancing again..

Get to know yourself better

from http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

 

the real you

You've got great self-confidence and you're full of charm. Most guys who get to know you will be attracted to you. You are far from sweet and proper; your intriguing personality fascinates them. Most guys find it easy to fall for a girl like you.

You don't really care about other people's feelings. You do things the way you want and usually think only about yourself. You are easy-going and love to have fun, but you can be irresponsible as well. You are not keen on serious discussions because they can make you remember that life isn't always about parties.

You are a bright, cheerful and bubbly person. You are thoughtful and considerate, and like to have fun. Everybody feels comfortable around you because of your pleasant nature. When you walk into a room, people's eyes are likely to be drawn to you because of your charm.

Guys see you as being a thinker and a careful person. They will be really attracted to this quality in you, but you need to learn to speak your mind, otherwise people will find you too shy and quiet. Learn to relax and lighten up--it's okay to have fun sometimes. When you learn to develop your fun-loving side, guys are going to flock to your side.

Your boyfriend believes that you are a strong and independent person. Your confidence and cheerfulness make you an attractive person to be around, but sometimes you need to pay more attention to what other people, including your boyfriend, are thinking.

 

no, i'm not japanese. I'm just quite hooked to them at this point of my life (hehe). my 2 cousins are studying Niponggo (is my spelling correct?) so they watched a lot of animes and japanese "soap oPera" (that's what i call it) like Hana Yori Dango. And in fairness, i like it soOo much to the extent that i'm thinking of taking up a lesson in Niponggo.

 Immersing myself in another culture gives out quite a fresh feeling. EVen before all this xenocentric addiction, I admired Japanese a lot. Imagine this: after the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, they implemented a closed door policy where no one can enter the country and no one can leave. They saved their nation by themselves! And even looking at their culture now, they are so egocentric that kit-kats and hersheys are turned into japanese packaging ( i know cause i have an aunt who comes here every year with all these stuff.)

So, when my 2 cousins started pulling me into their quicksand of fanaticism in everything-japanese, they unknowingly woke a dormant feeling within! it's not a big deal, i know, it's just i never really liked the way i liked FADS. get it? i totally get hooked into it, like it's some sort of a drug that i just can't get my hands full of.

demO.. (but), i kind of feel  ALIVE. Finally to have something to really crave about. Consequently, i realized that i've been a zombie all along. Walking along the halls in a path of bitter darkness and biting cold.

It wasn't just the japanese-thingy though. It was just the initiator, like a warm drop of dew in a freezing leaf.

ALIVE.

what does it really mean to FEEL alive....?

many writers have tried to describe it but i still fail in my attempt. right now, what i comprehend is simple: it's a mixture of surging emotions within that gets the spiritual, emotional and even physical aspect of our body going..
 

STARDUST.

some may say it's a corny science fiction, and that it's for children or for adults who haven't grown  up. it doesn't matter, who wants to grow up anyway?

 I think it's safe to say that i'm in love with the movie. I have no idea why, maybe it's just the time that i've watched it. It was when i was terribly drained from books and all life was sucked out of me. I miss my childhood when everything was just as easy as 123 and as simple as ABC. (FACT: though sometimes we ignore it, even children get stressed.) Going back to the story, before i watched it though, i was at the height of my irritability scale. everything pissed me off, even the slightest mistake or the wrong tone of voice would drive me pulling out your hair. Then, fortunately for the people around me, i went to see the movie.

I wasn't expecting anything from the film, i just needed a transport out of the current world i was in. To cut the long story short, i went out of the moviehouse all-smiles. The heavy weight was still in my shoulders but i just wasn't minding it at all.

Stardust is a science fiction/romantic comedy who happens to have an outstanding all-star cast. Neil Gaiman has reached my expectations, even surpassed it, yet again (mind you, i was very hard to please at that time). To all those "grown-up adults" out there who favored fantasy tales when they were a child, this is the perfect story for you. It's like a bedtime story adding the twists and turns we all so adore.

wOw. oUr finals ended last week with no assurance of passing ANY exam. i mean, WHAT-EVER. it was sOoo hard that reviewing for 2 days straight wasn't even enough. no, unfortunately, i am not exaggerating.

anyway, finals week has finally ended and we were supposed to have this "after exam" party. guess what? i wasn't allowed to go. even if it was just one ride from the house. "bakit ka magpaparty? may after exam party pa kayo! kailangan ba iyan? party-party. hMpf," says my dad. aaRrrgh! i was hoping for a little consolidation from them. i worked my ass off the whole semester, and they won't allow me to an itsy-bitsy party?

Then, from tuesday to friday (what was supposed to be my sembreak), i was at school. oh yeah! doing an editor's work. and it totally caught me by surprise to have all the work dumped on me! i was like, "????? what the--??" the school paper still had holes to be filled in, and i couldn't find the right people to do the job, couldn't find the people to interview and i even couldn't find the needed technology! EVERYTHING was out of place and everyone was expecting a lot. just the perfect ingredients to drive anyone mad.

 Quite unexpectedly though, i had all the energy. or maybe i just didn't want to stay at home. Staying at home means sitting on my butt watching nonsense TV shows, pigging out, sleeping, dreaming, texting. in short, back to a sedentary lifestyle, which means getting fat. hahaha. ok, i know what you're thinking, i'm not anorexic. it's just that based upon my observation, i get REALLY dizzy and lazy if i'm locked up in my room, not doing anything at all. So, a change of lifestyle is urgently needed.

 Anyway, i don't want to end up being a uni-profession woman. I guess working my ass off at the school paper may at least get me the experience and skills i need to become a "writer". haha.

of course, it hurts. what do you think of me? a cold-blooded animal expecting nothing from her own family?

it was the worst debut in all history. promises were broken. expectations were disappointed. shouts ringed the air. it definitely is, the worst BIRTHDAY.

and now, here i am, still not recovered on what was supposed to be a great day. it was like 3 months ago, and knowing myself, i recover quickly from frustrations of life! but apparently not this! my 2 brothers (who had their ordinary birthdays) had enjoyed every minute of their memorable day. . they were given what they wanted, given the proper attention. and yes, though it's not really the usual me, i am JEALOUS.

i've never disappointed them in whatever. i've been a f***ing good girl all throughout. school-house-school is my way of life. It's quite a boring routine, you may say. and you're not wrong.  way boring. i have good grades (among the top of the class). i have not broken my promises. and yet, this is what i get return. does that mean goodness doesn't pay? why bOther??

it may be superficial compared to problems such as big debts or forbidden love. but this is my parents i'm talking about here. a little appreciation would have been sufficient..

a little fairness would have saved me. .  

i said i won't let go. i said i will hold on to that flicker of hope. well, i never thought i'd take it back. .

 you're crazy.

you're full of s***.

you don't forgive people.

you're too arrogant.

you're too hard-headed.

you don't look back from where you belong. 

you're just plain EVIL.

 i mean, come on! are you for real? what kind of person would do THAT to their grandmother? leaving them at the emergency room after all they've done for you? do you know all the things people are saying behind your back? no, i have no courage to tell you. besides, i think you're better off without anyone informing you what's wrong with you, don't you think? i did it once.. and you just erased me from your life! duh? i'm sorry to tell you but only a low-life and insecure person would never like to correct their mistakes.

wow, look at  that. i'm really angry at you, ain't I?

you're smart and you know it. i hope you put it to gOod use.. cause for some reason, i LIKED you. 

 

until i HEARD from other people the "you".

i'm still hoping it isn't the REAL you..  

: 6 signs ur falling for sum1... yep
it's
true.. that's why.. I'm in pain..
Message: 6 signs you're falling for
someone:

1. - as soon as you get online-whose
name do you look at first
2. - when you hear your phone ringing-
who do u hope is calling
3. - when a love song comes on the
radio-who's face comes to your mind
4. - whos name makes your heart skip a
beat every time u hear it
5. - who is it that you always find
yourself thinking about-wondering if
they're thinking about you
6. - the whole time you were reading
this, there was only 1 person
on your mind.....